My cover of Not In That Way by Sam Smith. I messed up a bit toward the end, but if I tried recording it once more, I’m pretty sure my neighbors would have strangled me :)
As much as I’m grateful that I am able to have a straight male best friend, it is equally frustrating that I still feel like I can’t talk to him about my own relationships and love life. Despite him having the liberty to share his relationship problems, it kills me not to be able to do the same. And it’s not even his fault, because society has conditioned me to believe that straight guys find gay relationships as invalid or taboo to associate themselves with. So now I’m stuck venting my frustration out on Tumblr because I can’t get myself to trust my best friend about important aspects of my life.
It makes me feel really lonely.
Sometimes at night I suddenly become aware of all the things I’m missing out on right now, and all the people who I’m not close to anymore, and all of the good times that will never happen again, and all the people who meant the world to me who have forgotten about me forever, and I get this awful feeling that’s kind of like a mix between loneliness and nostalgia.
I feel I’ll always be the kid who’s fun to be around, but not fun enough to ever be worth the effort to reach out and invite to do things. Whenever I get invited to things every now and then, it’s always in passing. I never get a text that says,”Hey! I miss you, let’s hang out!” or “My friends and I are hanging out, you should come with!”. Sometimes it gets tiring asking around what people are up to. I wish someone just made an effort once and make me feel like they want my company enough that they directly ask me to do things.
I’ll always be the sociable loner.